When logic fails us what is left?

Posted on Thu Jan 9th, 2025 @ 10:14am by Ensign Mercy Mourne & Lieutenant Darru

Mission: Remnant
Location: The day before they are due to arrive at the next planet
1806 words - 3.6 OF Standard Post Measure

It was deathly quiet in the secondary observation deck, the small space. It was for that reason that Mercy had taken to coming here at times of overwhelm. She had done everything she could. She had run every scan, been through the data to the point that if she closed her eyes she could picture it perfectly and yet, nothing she did helped push back that growing anxiety.

She was going to fail, she could feel it. They would get to the next planet and there would be no fuel, and it would be all her fault. Because she was the one who was supposed to be able to doggedly follow the data to the perfect solution. Only in this situation there was no perfect, and the solution was shrouded in theoretical assumptions and scientific guesswork. And no matter how hard she worked, how much she smiled and joked, she was cracking under the pressure. Everyone would realise tomorrow that she didn’t belong on a ship full of brilliant people.

She groaned and kicked off her shoes so she could pull her knees up. Her feet were on the chair and she could bury her face in them. She then wrapped her arms around her head and knees she tried to make herself as small as possible while she rode out the wave of anxiety those thoughts brought her.

Darru had spotted her head into the observation deck that he had been heading to. He had paused for a long moment before his own feelings and worries hit him and he stepped into the room. "I saw you come in," he explained when he saw her looking at him confused as to why he was there of all people. "I can leave but I want to confirm that you were okay."

Mercy sucked in a deep breath and shook her head. The smile she summoned to her face didn’t quite reach her eye. “No please, I was just looking for somewhere quiet to… I was just looking for somewhere quiet, but I can leave if you need to use this deck?” She scrubbed a hand over her face and rubbed surreptitiously at her eyes.

“I did not ask that or want that Ensign. I wanted confirmation of your status.” He said quietly still just stood inside the doorway still surveying the emotions that did not reach her eyes and the way she sucked in a breath to center herself. It was unique to female humans he had noticed that male humans did not to that but maybe he had not interacted enough with men onboard enough.

Mercy looked up at Darru from her seat and after a few moments passed her face fell, her smile disappearing and her true emotions showing through. “I’m okay. Or at least I will be, right now I’m not but it’s just a little anxiety. I feel…” Mercy frowned, not quite sure how to explain the existential dread that weighed on her. “I’m worried I am letting everyone down.”

Darru entered the room, slipped in front of her, sat on the window ledge, spreading out his legs to keep himself there, and shook his head. "I am the department head that feeling if true of anyone opinion stops with me." He said firmly. "You have done nothing but work perfectly with the information that we have. It was reaching for us to find what we needed at the first planet."

Mercy nodded, but the way she bit her lip was a small sign that while she knew that logically, she was still conflicted. “Yes of course Lieutenant. You are right. It’s…. I suppose it’s just hard not to feel the pressure mounting with every unsuccessful scan.”

“But it is not your pressure. It stops at me.” Darru said quietly. He was the department head and the departments pressures came to him and he was not feeling it. He should but he was logically looking at how his department was working and they were working above and beyond.

Well logically yes… sort of. But I guess for me it’s…” Mercy cocked her head, looking at Darru, trying her best to think of a way to explain what she was feeling. Already she could feel herself calming a little, just the act of having to pick apart her feelings so she could help Darru understand shifting her into a more analytical mindset.

“Okay so, yes that’s one way to view it. But we all… actually that might not help talking in general terms. Let me try… okay so. I really want to help, it matters to me that I perform well as part of a team and that I pull my weight. So I feel connected personally to the outcome. Even if it isn’t the most healthy, because I care about the crew, the department and you… uhm your… oh blast it. What I mean to say is that it really matters to me that I help, and even if I am doing everything I can, as long as we don’t have fuel it will feel like I haven’t done enough. Because the outcome feels personal. Does that make sense? Even if it is not my job to feel the pressure, I still absorb or rather create stress because I want to do a good job. And every negative scan we get back will add to the sense that I am not doing enough. Even though I know I can’t magically create Deuterium out of nothing.”

“And you are doing everything that you can do and more.” The man stated ignoring how his heart surged as her specifically mentioning him. “I care about you too.” He offered explaining why he followed. “Which is why I followed.”

A bewildering array of emotions flickered over Mercy’s face in the space of a handful of heartbeats. It would be nearly impossible for the Lieutenant to follow. “Oh? Oh! Uhm… that’s good, great even… that you care about… uhm about me… as a subordinate I mean.” She ducks her head in an attempt to hide a blush and tell herself to pull it together and be a professional. “I didn’t mean to worry you. But thank you for following.” There, that sounded like a perfectly normal thing to say to one’s boss.

“I also care about you as a friend.” He murmured quietly. There was a very thin line on this ship and after his rawness with the doctor he was struggling to convey what he was feeling properly. He was trying to be professional about it but it was something that he seemed to be struggling with for a moment. Would this be how he was before he either gave into pon farr or or drove him insane?

Mercy shoved aside the little lump of disappointment. Friends was good, if all Darru could offer was friendship then she would gladly accept that. “Yeah? Me too. I appreciate your company, and the fact you came looking for me.” She then seemed to remember something. “Oh but here I am whining about work and you… How are you?” Mercy knew that the man had been struggling with his control since she had carelessly brought up memories of his deceased wife.

The man raised an eyebrow at her turning the question back on him so quickly. He shifted a little on his perch in front of her, leaning back against the cool glass. “I am … discombobulated.” He finally decided was the acceptable word he was looking for.

Mercy couldn't help but look surprised at that. “Sorry I wasn’t expecting such a human turn of phrase. Discombobulated? What’s got you feeling like that?” She then realised her own human centric assumption. “If it is a feeling that is, or it could simply be a problem with your logical reasoning? I didn’t mean to say your control was not as it should be.” She winced. Why was there never a hull plating failure when you needed something to suck you into the cold dark void of space where no one could hear you be socially awkward?

“I have spent many years among humans. I did choose this assignment.” The man commented reminding her gently. “But your reasoning is correct my reasoning is not what it should be.” The man admitted quietly. It pained him to tell someone other than the doctor but he had to admit it to someone else especially her so she understood him better.

“Yes of course, I didn’t mean to offend.” Mercy had turned bright pink now. “And really I don’t know why I was surprised, you even use contractions sometimes which I’ve never heard other Vulcans. You probably do it all on purpose just to make us feel more comfortable. I was just surprised.” She then softened and gave the man a sympathetic look. “Ah in that case I am sorry must assumption was right. Did you want to talk about it? There’s no shame in it, if anything the fact you have maintained such impeccable control up until this point is to be commended. But none of us are perfect.”

“There is a lot of shame in my situation so I will decline your offer this time.” It was sweet but he did not know where to begin with anything that was currently happening to him. “I do not believe you know how to offend Mercy.” He said looking at her carefully. “And I do not offend easily unlike my blunt words. I do but only because you humans outnumber me 1 to 72 but you have always interested me why I was on the exchange program.”

Mercy opened her mouth to object but then closed it, seeming thoughtful. “Well for what it’s worth I do not think there is anything you could do or feel that would make me ashamed of you or be offended by you. Even at your most blunt.” She then laughed. “And believe me, although I wish I could live up to your high opinion, one day I will have to tell you the story of the Vulcan delegation visiting the academy and the pudding cup! Although to be fair it was not intentional.” She then looked at the screen beside Darru and sighed.

“We should probably get to our shift. As nice as this is I don’t think we can hide here forever.”

Darru had no issue staying there longer but he nodded. He did not move as he wanted a little more time to process things but he did at the very least agree that they should not hide. "You go on Ensign. I will catch up in a few moments." He suggested.