Peace of Mind

Posted on Sat Jul 15th, 2023 @ 11:30am by Commander Benjamin Jamesson & Lieutenant JG Calanthe 'Cal' Diaz

Mission: Sojurn
Location: Sickbay, USS Atlantis
Timeline: Just after "Mostly Innocent"
3065 words - 6.1 OF Standard Post Measure

There hadn't been any real need to stay in Sickbay.

The bruising on her arm wasn't serious enough to warrant medical attention and even the slight swelling of her knee, which Calanthe had missed entirely after it had made contact with a region of her would-be attacker's anatomy that had felt relatively soft and spongy at the time, had only required an ice pack and a compression bandage as a precaution. Hughes had been more thorough than was strictly necessary and, for once, the brunette hadn't argued because it had served as an excuse to hang around, but now that he was done, she'd been given clearance to leave.

That had been over an hour ago.

Cal had a feeling there was a decent amount of knowing intent behind the fact she'd been allowed to pull up a stool next to Ben's biobed instead but if the doctor wasn't going to mention anything, she certainly wasn't in the mood to bring it up. She was still trying to figure out what she made of the man, who seemed close enough to Ben to find her equally as familiar despite the fact she couldn't reciprocate. It mattered more that he was competent enough to help the unconscious man resting peacefully at last, and at least in that respect, Hughes seemed a decent sort. He'd even taken the time to reassure her that Ben's prolonged sleep was an intentional attempt to help him catch up on rest, as if she was somehow entitled to health updates for a guy she knew inside out and yet had only just met. It was complicated. Hughes seemed to understand that.

With most of the crew either enjoying the planet or at their posts, Sickbay was relatively quiet. At some point, when it seemed clear the engineer was out for a while, she'd put her head down onto folded arms and closed her eyes. It probably wasn't her place to fall asleep by his side, sole participant in a bedside vigil that carried no real medical urgency. She did it anyway.

Benjamin ached as he slowly became aware of the fact he was waking up. It was a sure sign of the fact he had been asleep for far too long but why would he do that? He opened his eyes and slowly blinked in the semi-darkness and looked confused at the fact he was in sickbay. Why was he there? He glanced down and saw that he was the one in sickbay and hooked up to the biobed monitors. Something was bothering his arm, he glanced down to see that someone... no Calanthe's hair was tickling his arm. He smiled as he realised something had happened to him and she was there for him. Slowly moved his arm away to relieve the sensation and gently caressed her hair.

In another place, at another time, as another version of herself, the simple gesture would have been enough to burrow Calanthe deeper into the covers and render it nearly impossible to coax her out of bed regardless of impending deadlines. She wasn't the type to be late but tenderness in the form of physical affection was an easy craving to succumb to, especially as Ben had always been so good at imparting it without expectation. Typically he let her sleep in if it was at all possible, sometimes he'd even tricked her into when she was owed the time off and being stubborn about taking it...

The sound of the biobed's alert roused her. Reality reasserted itself.

She'd grown accustomed to riding out the sense of loss, grateful at least that her dreams had the capacity to be pleasant recollections rather than a constant repeat of tortuous final minutes. This time was a little stranger because, rather than existing simply as a figment of her over-encumbered mind, there actually was a hand playing with her hair. Stirring, she turned her head without lifting it and blinked at him blearily.

"Hey."

It took several seconds for her to process the implications beyond what felt like a perfectly natural way of waking up and, blinking, Calanthe sat up quickly, which interrupted the gentle moment but there were more important things to clarify first.

"You're awake. How do you feel?"

The man's hand fell to the bio bed as he offered a smile to her as she sat up looking confused. The moment was broken of him enjoying the gentle caress and "I am awake though I am not sure exactly what from." He admitted his smile turning awkward as he realised he could not exactly place how he had ended up there.

It was more restraint that Cal possessed to avoid the temptation to move a strand of disheveled ginger hair out of his eyes. It had grown longer than he liked it, which meant she should probably....

The thought hit the inevitable brick wall. It was always the most difficult right after she'd woken up, discerning the reality she'd had dumped into her head from her actual life. Both felt entirely natural. Sitting up a little straighter, Calanthe folded her arms across in front of her to lean against, as much to put her hands out of the way as anything else, and studied his face.

"You were punched in the face," she coaxed. "Down on the planet. Couple of furry guys were attacking a young Realian." She added the details because she realised he was amassing quite a collection of 'punched in the face on the planet' stories.

The man’s gaze went blank for a long moment before he nodded remembering it all. “I remember. Stepped in saved the kid and then security showed up after it was all over pretty much to try and arrest us.” He gingerly leant up to touch where he thought he would have a lump but it felt fine.

"That didn't happen," she reassured him. "You did pass out while Hughes was examining you though, and we let you sleep it off because you needed the rest." Though her tone was slightly chastising, it was too gentle to convey anything other than quiet concern. Cal smiled faintly. "Doesn't seem to matter what universe you're in, you work harder than you should."

The words were out before she could reconsider them and the brunette found herself holding her breath for fear she'd overstepped. She'd been so careful to avoid him until she'd worken up properly in the past, vividly conscious that she found the initial hour or so the most difficult to separate one timeline from the other. Umwilling to add to his confusion, she chose her next words with more care.

"You should try to get some more rest. You must be exhausted."

“Issac is going to chastise me.” He said already hearing the conversation in his head when the doctor told him off. He had to admit he was tired but it did not seem to help to settle his mind to rest. “I am but I cannot seem to find anything that helps.” He quietly said. “I don’t know when to quit.” He added, finally acknowledging her words about no matter what universe.

"No, you do not," Cal replied, not bothering to hide her affection. "Which is why you need to start listening to the people who care enough to point out when you need to." The brunette glanced in the direction of the back office and lowered her voice. "We're probably both in for a lecture, he spent a long time chatting to Will. I'm guessing Hughes knows...stuff." For a communication specialist, the term was inelegant but Calanthe wasn't sure if now was really a great time to explore how much the doctor understood of their situation.

Benjamin rose a little to look in the direction that the woman was glancing before he lay back down. “I am expecting to be cleaning the inside of several places I would not give to the cadets after all of this to keep me out of trouble.” He admitted with a small smile. “He knows stuff. He knows far more than I would like.” But that was what having friends and a community was all about.

A look of weary agreement crossed Calanthe's features. "He sure knows more about what Smith did to me than I wanted anyone to know but Lexi doesn't back down easily and he seemed a better choice than Avira at the time."

It seemed unavoidable, for all the night had started as her attempt to drag him to a simple dinner with the intent to chat about something other than their messed up situation. Slowly pushing herself to sit upright, Cal broached the slow slide back into old territory with her usual deployment of a verbal sledgehammer. "We don't need to talk about that though. You're supposed to be recuperating."

“Of course he knows.” Ben said with a small roll of his eyes. That made a lot more sense to everything now. “I have no where else to be.” He said quietly as he glanced at his bio readings and saw that they were good for the most part. There was no other time than now in his opinion.

Cal opened her mouth and then hesitated, which would have seemed remarkable to anyone who didn't know her as well as the man sitting opposite. Eventually, she just exhaled softly. "I don't know what's fair anymore," she admitted softly. "It's funny how there are no rulebooks for this kind of situation, right?" A tug at the corner of her lips didn't do much to chase away her concern. "It's not just...us. I mean," she laughed wearily, "it's almost all 'just us' but we've spoken about that. Getting to know each other. No more avoiding each other." This time, she cocked an eyebrow at him pointedly. "Finding each other rather than only seeing reflections of people who aren't here anymore. It's all fantastically logical."

She blew out a breath as a putter.

"And really, really unhelpful in sorting out what's in my head."

He could see the hesitation but he needed her to speak and to say her truths as she was the one with more than met the eye. She had a whole other universe in her head that was impossible to get rid of. Ben listened with our judging or interrupting before he slowly lent his hand out and touch her hand. “How can I help?” He said softly trying to find a route through though there was no rule book or anything.

The offer seemed to surprise her. "I..."

For the second time in as many minutes, Cal was forced into silence to choose her words carefully. "Maybe I'm misrepresenting it. At first, it was horrible. I didn't know what was going on and the most recent memories were the ones bleeding through when I tried to sleep."

She didn't elaborate, her counterpart's final minutes were equally as unpleasant for Ben and he didn't need to relive it.

"Now it's more..." She screwed up her nose. "It's starting to feel less separate," she admitted, worried that he'd be uncomfortable with the notion but unable to explain it any other way. "The specific memories are more subtle, I guess he didn't really have time to steal everything. He just took what was the strongest, what he was able to provoke in the moment, what was going to be enough to sustain him for the jump."

Cal reached out and wrapped her hand around his, giving it a squeeze. An apology, for saying even that much.

"It's probably not a surprise that it resulted in a massive amount of Benjamin Jamesson ending up in my head." She offered him a half-smile. "Apparently you were pretty important."

“So was she.. you are.” He said gently. She had a part of someone inside of her that had gone from a secret crush to some days his very reason for breathing and continuing despite everything that was against them. “He did not have much time. There was no time for anything at the end.” He said trying to not get caught up in the emotions thinking on that day. It was dark and far too twisty for a normal conversation without a lot of booze or something else to make the words flow easier.

"Yeah, I remember."

Which wasn't exactly true. As much as she hadn't intended to have this conversation with him now, Calanthe also realised it was one of the few times he'd really shown a willingness to talk about what had happened and that felt important. Leaving it to fester was hurting him.

"She thought you were gone," she admitted gently. "I think it's a big part of why she did what she did, other than knowing it was the best chance any of them had."

Benjamin looked at her confused. “Say that again?” He requested thinking he had misheard her whilst he was staring at her mouth, trying to not get distracted by how many times he had kissed her to stop her talking.

Calanthe blinked, unsure of which part needed repeating. "I just meant when she chose to intercept him, I think she'd already decided she wasn't leaving without you. And, if you were already gone..." She winced, unsure if it was a comfort or not but finding guilty relief in divulging the information that didn't feel like it was hers to covet. "I'm not trying to diminish your loss," she reassured softly. "Or defend her choices. She wanted the others to escape."

“I know you are not but I think we are not understanding each other. What others?” He asked softly. His hand loosened a little of his grip on her so that he did not reflectively grip her tighter in trying to understand something he had not known before.

Their confusion was mutual, though Calanthe had the sinking feeling she had inadvertently waded into information that was only going to add to his burden. It hadn't been her intention, as much as she should have known better than to assume. And now she couldn't take it back because speculation would only have made it worse.

"You asked her to get to an escape pod," she replied gently. "Sent her off with a group you'd managed to muster. The alien interrupted them as they were boarding, so she..." Her brow flickered, sorrowful eyes apologising for putting him through this. "Hit the door release and ejected them while he was goading them. He wasn't happy."

“I ordered everyone to the escape pods when I had no other way to get rid of the creature.” He said thinking through what had happened. “Others escaped? I thought everyone perished apart from Nish.” He asked trying to work out what he had missed. Nothing had been on the scanners but the readings had been off the chart in the seconds after they left as Smith had dragged them through dimensions.

"Yeah, they escaped." It was hard to say with absolute certainty because it was a recollection through another's eyes but it didn't feel important to make that distinction. The pod had ejected, the people on board had the best chance of any of the crew of being picked up and making a life for themselves elsewhere. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew."

“No, when I went back to kill the creature, I found her body no where near the pod and then I found Nish still alive so I picked her up and returned to my pod without carrying on my …” he did not want to say suicide mission but it was very much how it had been in his mind. There had been no coming back from it all until he had found the security enlisted still alive.

For the longest moment, Calanthe just stared at him. It wasn't the first time those dark eyes had done their best to peel back the layers, to find away beneath the surface that liked to present itself as competent and undemanding in its expectations. These conversations were painful but she was glad, she realised, that he was finally open to having them. He never had fared very well in silence, even if he did think he preferred it.

Reaching out, she took his other hand in her remaining one and squeezed with both.

"You know you can ask me anything you want to know about what Smith dumped in my head. It wasn't everything, but I think he'd be furious to know what is actually starting to stick." She smiled faintly. "Not the bad stuff, just the way you made her feel. And seeing you here, knowing that you made it..." Rapid blinks staved off the threat of moisture. "It's not just that I know how grateful and relieved she'd be. I am grateful and relieved that you survived. And it has nothing to do with losing you the first time around, this doesn't feel like I've got Ben back. You are safe and that is frankly the best feeling I've had..." She paused before concluding honestly. "Ever."

“I think he would be furious to know anything of that universe survived intact. We were the first universe where he had truly had to fight for his meal.” He said bluntly before he lapsed into a little bit of silence. “I am glad some of her survived and that you have it.” He finally said feeling for the first time that it was not as selfish as he felt it was.

Nodding slowly, Calanthe slowly withdrew her hands to give him space and tucked them underneath her to avoid fidgeting. "We already know this is going to take time. But I feel different now than when it first happened and it gives me hope." She smiled at him, and unable to help herself, freed a hand to ease the hair out of his eyes again. "You're going to have to let me at that before it gets much longer."

It was hard to know if trying to fill the void she'd left was the right thing to do. All Calanthe knew was that she didn't have it in her to let Benjamin Jamesson fight his demons alone. It hadn't worked the first time around; he was fresh out of luck this time too.