Soul Soothing

Posted on Fri Dec 29th, 2023 @ 8:13am by Ensign Alexandra 'Lexi' O'Connery & Commander William Gerhard

Mission: Contagion
Location: Observation Deck
Timeline: Day 365
2235 words - 4.5 OF Standard Post Measure

Lexi knew the years anniversary was meant to be a sad occasion but she was not phased by emotions that her crew mates were. The thought that had struck her like a meteorite was a gnawing uncertainty, a looming shadow over her dreams of a new life among the cosmic wonders. What if, after all the adventures and escapades, they did eventually return to Earth?

The planet they had left behind, with all its complexities and turmoil, held the potential to burst the beautiful bubble they had painstakingly crafted in the far reaches of space. It was a chilling notion that sent shivers down her spine, and she couldn't help but fall deeper into the abyss of "what ifs."

William had returned to their shared quarters after finishing his afternoon inspections in the Main Armory, but had not found Lexi waiting for him like she usually was. The internal sensors had told him she was in the Upper Observation lounge, one of the first places he would've guessed, so he took the nearest turbolift to that deck and pressed the button to open the door into the room. He saw her sitting on the deck and looking out towards the stars, deep in thought.

The fear of reality crashing against their safe haven seized her, leaving her paralysed in contemplation that she did not hear the door open or the soft voice that greeted her.

"Hey," he said softly as she started at the tone of his voice. He held his hands up in response, "It's me. I should've known you'd be here and not home when I saw you weren't waiting for me back in our quarters." He waited a beat before giving her a raised eyebrow, "Want some company?"

With each passing moment, she imagined the scenarios that might unfold upon their return as she watched the man looking at her expecting her to reply. “Sure.” She shifted her legs a little to allow him to share the space she was sitting in. “Good day?” She wondered quietly returning her gaze to the field of stars in front of them.

"As good as any other," he said as he sat next to her. As he settled, he felt her lean into him, so he braced his hand wider to allow her some room. "I had to take a trip down to waste reclamation, reminded me why I didn't join engineering," he offered before he made an exaggerated sniffing sound, "I think I got all the smells out."

Lexi smiled. “I cannot smell anything.” She assured nudging him just a little before sighing just a little as she tried to not think on what she had moments before. It was hard when you tried to not think on something and it then became all you could think about more and more.

He smiled in return before he watched her for a moment looking back out into the stars. He could tell there was something on her mind, so he decided to prod just a bit. "I know that look, what seems to be eating you," he asked softly.

As she continued to stare out into the void, her mind grappled with the uncertainties of their future. It was a stark contrast to the hope that had filled her heart just moments ago. With a sense of foreboding, she found herself descending deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of "what ifs."

"I am thinking about what happens with us if we ever get home." She finally said softly.

William nodded slowly, the significance of the date not being lost on him. "I seem to recall not too long ago you said we were home, here," he said his tone soft as he indicated the space they were in.

The woman took in his features and the confusion that was written there. "But what if we get back to Earth?" She asked him finally this was the very place where they had often met for quiet moments but today it felt strange but the whole day had felt strange.

William nodded again before turning to look out the viewport. "I honestly hadn't thought about that much lately," he said before looking back over at her, "Your my world now, there's not much waiting for me back on Earth."

“I have…” The day had triggered her thoughts more and more as the day had gone on. Everyone talking about what they would do or not do if they got back and she had no idea what she would do if she did. “And I do not know… what if we get back and we hate each other there with all the other options?”

"Well," William said before continuing, "The fact we've been stuck together for a year and want to get married is a good sign to me." He gave her a soft smile trying to lighten her mood.

The woman nodded. She understood he was trying to make her smile and cheer her up but it was hard to explain it all. “I know it seems silly…” Lexi started. “But I have that worried. I do not want to lose what we have built here.” She shrugged looking back to the stars passing by. It was silly but the anniversary had brought up all the thoughts that she could not hide.

William looked back out the viewport for a bit before answering. "A lot's changed in a year, but I'm fairly certain that what we've built can't be ripped asunder just by returning home," he offered again before looking back over at her with a slight smile, "I mean we've survived cave ins and hostile aliens together."

“How come you are so sure of yourself?” Lexi demanded in Swedish as he made her look back at him. Her eyes looked deep into his and finally offered a sad smile.

He looked into her eyes for a second more before looking back towards the viewport. "Because you were the reason I came back after all that mess with....." he said softly. He knew he didn't have to say the name, and he could tell she understood. "There was a part of me that would've been fine letting go when I was in that dark void, but there was a bigger part that wanted to return to you," he said softly again before turning back to look into her eyes, "So I came back."

Lexi had never heard him talk so deeply and slowly scooted closer so that she was sat between his legs. “I do not want to lose this.” She whispered leaning back to lay her head on his shoulder. “Earth gives you options and I still want you to pick me.”

He rested his head on top of hers as he pulled her closer towards him. "I already have picked you, I did ask you to marry me," he said softly before kissing the top of her head. "Should I be worried about all the options Earth gives you," he asked with a smile in his voice as he felt her stiffen slightly at his question. When she looked at him he gave her a grin and shrugged his shoulders, "It's only fair to ask that after you asked me."

"Who else would have me." She murmured sadly before she shook her head. "Earth gives me no options." She was sure of that unless abusive ex-boyfriends counted but that was not something she wanted to even think about when she was being held tightly against someone who never even considered raising a fist to her.

William squeezed her a bit tighter and kissed the top of her head again. "Well, then I'm glad to know that i can have you all to myself," he said softly.

"Always. I am sorry... the day has just got me in a spiral. I love the life we have and it goes against the grain of what most people are feeling. I feel guilt for having the best year of my life with someone who loves me and surrounded by friends." She sighed and shifted a little to kiss his jaw.

"You don't need to apologize. I can understand the feeling. With it being a year i think it's finally hitting everyone the fact that we have such a long journey home, if we can even make it that far," he said before he bent down to gently tilt her chin so he could look her in the eye. "But, i think that your not giving yourself enough credit. You've faced adversity like we all have and survived. There's always hope, and I think that as long as we believe we can overcome anything that faces us," he said before leaning down to kiss her softly on the lips.

The woman nodded. He did not understand her reasons for not wanting to get back to Earth but that would be a conversation for another day maybe with some engineering moonshine. “I know I am not doubting the stuff I have over come I am just full of worries. I do not want to self sabotage.” She admitted as she pulled back from the soft kiss.

William nodded in understanding after she had pulled away. He looked into her eyes again before giving her another soft smile. "As far as I know, you haven't self sabotaged yourself in the past year. Why do you fear getting back to Earth would change that," he asked her. While he was fairly confident in the strength of their relationship, he wanted to give her the opportunity to talk this out with him. He hoped by doing this it would reassure her.

"Because I always do. If I do not then the other person turns into the worst person and I know you are not that person so it is going to be me." She said the logic sounding perfectly valid in her head.

William thought for a moment before answering, "You forget that i got a glimpse of the Earth you at that party where you practically dragged me into the closet." He smiled again at her knowing she hated being reminded of that moment. He had thought it endearing even though she had been so inebriated that her actions were not her own.

"I am fully aware this started before we left Earth." She whispered trying to not remember the party where she had seduced him and started the whole clandestine relationship until they had gotten lost in space.

"See, that's my point exactly. You didn't sabotage yourself then. I stuck around and that brought us to where we are now," He said before turning to look out the observation window. "Here where you and i are the first humans to ever see theses beautiful stars," he said before he could feel her looking at him. He turned to give her a quizzical look, "What, am i not allowed to be poetic at times like this?"

Lexi raised an eyebrow at the words out of his mouth as well as the quizzical look he was giving her. It reminded her for a second of the look he had given her when she had wandered over to him at the party. “No you say beautiful poetic things and you are very much right. I am worrying for no good reason other than to make myself ill.” She sighed and took in a deep breath.

"I'm just glad that no matter happens, I have you with me now and that i will never let you go. I'd rather enjoy the moment with you now rather than worry about what might happen in the future," he said softly looking into her eyes. He wanted her to understand that he meant every word of what he was saying. He wasn't trying to trivialize her fears, but he wanted her to understand that regardless he was with her forever now.

It was a good point. She was worried for no good reason and he was trying to allow her to process her fears. “Thank you for not just brushing it all away when I feel like this.” She breathed looking at him for another moment before looking out the window again. “I am happy here you know. I really love you and I love the life we have in our little quarters and these little moments.” She assured touching the glass feeling the chill under her hands.

William smiled as he felt himself warm at her words. He pulled her closer to him as he stared out the window with her. “I love you too. I never thought that I’d be deserving of someone like you, but I love our life together, and I want to spend every moment of it with you. Whether it’s here on this ship, or Earth, or wherever we end up. I want you and nothing else,” he said softly as he rested his chin atop her head. He then reached out his own hand and placed it over hers, feeling her fingers intertwine with his.

Lexi allowed the moment to settle into silence and let his presence soothe her soul and all the worries that she had over a year lost in space. It was not perfect but it was a lot better than where she had come from. She just needed to keep moving forward on that road.