Tiny Little Pieces

Posted on Wed Nov 22nd, 2023 @ 8:16am by Ensign Duncan McManus & Ensign Madelyn 'Madi' Moore

Mission: Contagion
Location: Observation Lounge
Timeline: MD 365, evening
4144 words - 8.3 OF Standard Post Measure

"You really don't need to walk me home. I'm perfectly capable..."

The walls kept moving.

Being slightly tipsy was an unusual sensation. Part of the problem was lack of preparation, the unexpectedness of having to deal with intoxication so far from any kind of reputable bar, (or disreputable for that matter.) Madelyn had avoided the temptations of experimenting with Relean liquor because she'd grown infinitely more paranoid about sparking migraine attacks since her recovery, and there had just honestly been far more interesting things to focus on during her first legitimate exploration of an alien culture. Tonight's experimentation had been slightly encouraged by unintended peer pressure but also a burgeoning desire not to be consistently seen as the 'weak one' in the group. Knowing that she'd teetered on a very final precipice for a while was bad enough without people constantly reminding her of it.

The floor wasn't very even either.

So far, the young scientist had navigated her way from the messhall by trailing her fingers along the wall so that when she inevitably swayed a little too close to it, there wasn't such a shock to the impact. The first time had been embarrassing, now she was struck by the inherent amusement of it, especially as Duncan's laugh, she'd come to realise, was ridiculous contagious. Having finished her proclamation with another sideways teeter that saw her rest for a moment against the wall, Madelyn tempted fate by balancing on one foot to reach the other towards her gallant escort in an effort to prod him in the leg with it.

"Shush, this is your fault anyway."

Duncan was not sure why in his drunkenness he had decided to offer to help Madelyn of all people back to her quarters but the fact she was using her fingers to guide her was something he could not ignore. Leutientant Darru did not need to hear about it if she got into trouble and he did not want the Captain to have any more headaches caused by engineering. Engineering at the moment was stable thanks to Jamesson and Zakharov and he did not want Leroux and Gerhard sniffing around destabilising that.

"It is not my fault. Sure I brought the booze but you did not need to drink it all." He countered pushing her foot back to the floor gentle so he did not rock her too hard.

"I didn't drink all of it." The protest was a valid one; relative to her current state, Madelyn really hadn't consumed very much, and would eventually hover between grateful and annoyed once she found out that was partially the fault of the man walking next to her. Diluted moonshine had tasted much like the full-strength once the first few sips had numbed the entire inside of her mouth. Stopping a moment to regain her balance, the brunette had another moment of clarity and straightened, pouring considerable energy into the process of trying to maintain a straight line without the assistance of the wall. Self-consciousness did its best to render her mute but arrived too slowly at her speech centre to stop the stream of consciousness ramble that escaped next.

"I'm glad everyone came tonight. Well, almost everyone." Beckett and Anton had both been covering shifts. "Even if it did kind of become more about arm wrestling there at the end."

“You drank enough.” The Engineer laughed looping her arm through his in an attempt to keep her on her feet as well as offer some comfort as he heard her ramblings. He knew well enough that it was what it was now when she got like that. “And I won.” The engineer declared. “All those lifting of heavy machinery finally came in use.”

"Well, it was never going to be me." This admission sounded cheerful enough, or at least reasonably devoid of the usual self-doubt and quiet recrimination the young brunette heaped on herself. Also absent was the clumsiness that seemed to plague her in moments of high anxiety, which made sense in a way whilst also presenting as completely baffling. Confidence wasn't always Madi's strong point and, under normal circumstances, walking this close to someone would have preoccupied her with predictions of imminent embarrassment. There was still a prickle of that at the back of her mind but she found it far easier to ignore than usual.

Plus, it was Duncan. He was easy to talk to.

"How cute are Finn and Christian though?" She ambled to the next topic without a single malicious intent to gossip or cast judgement and spoke only from a genuine and palpable pleasure for her friend's happiness.

Duncan could not help but smile at the mention of the two men from science they were adorable and it was nice to see Jones coming out of his shell more and more. “They are cute.” He agreed quickly despite his own inner musing.

"I've been telling Finn for ages that he should just stop worrying about what other people are thinking because they're probably not thinking anything." If only her sister could see her now, several drinks into her new career as a relationship coach. It was a far cry from the Madelyn who had spent most of her teenager years tied up in mortified knots over the prospect of public affection.

“Finn is Finn. He is always going to worry.” Duncan was sure than his fellow brit was always going to be like that but he was getting loads better. “But he is getting better. Six months ago he would have never come to the game night.” Duncan did not want to admit it but he had been really worried for the man at one point thinking he was a mental health risk.

Madelyn had worried about her friend too but that seemed a little less significant given her capacity to worry about most things. Being rendered unconscious for those weeks following their unintentional exile had done more than leave the scientist with an elevated risk of migraine, Madelyn had struggled with a sense of alienation, always one step behind the rest of the crew when it came to processing the situation because she simply hadn't had the same amount of time to sit with the information. Once enough time had passed, and enough challenges had been flung their way for her to catch up, the only available option for enduring response was hyper-vigilance. She had been a child prone to rescuing every injured animal under the sun, even the creepy-crawly ones that admittedly made her a little squeamish. Wanting to fix all the sadness around her was a natural compulsion. She just wasn't sure she was very good at it.

"It's been good for Kiyara too," she mused quietly, her introspective gaze focused enough on internal contemplation that she relied solely on her companion's sense of orientation to steer their path for a moment. "Even though they are pretty self-sufficient."

"Been good for everyone. Need to get Daglish coming back and what's his name from Science?" The Engineer tried to think on the name but it was lost in his head thanks to the booze. "They are which is not a bad thing. I have never seen them react anything other than cool and composed, a big welcome in Engineering sometimes." He nodded as he indicated that they were nearly where she lived.

Familiar territory, normally quite a comfort to Madi, only provoked the exaggerated wrinkling of her nose. "You know, I didn't go out a whole heap while I was studying but when I did, I sure wasn't home and in bed at a sensible time." It was difficult to imagine the pensive brunette doing anything particularly wild, but there was something to be said for at least having the opportunity to. "We should go on an adventure." It was rare spontaneity, entirely the fault of the moonshine, and yet the bright smile brought a sparkle to Madi's eyes that wasn't always easy to evoke these days.

Duncan raised an eyebrow not in the slightest believing her. He could not comprehend and merge the image of her a wild child with the woman he had seen trip over air. “Sure you were, Madi.” He grinned before shrugging. “Fine where do you want to go off to?” He asked wanting to make sure she kept out of trouble best he could.

It was an interesting conundrum. As far as adventures went, there really weren't many options on board, and though it could have been argued that trying to navigate anything that required coordination whilst Madi was intoxicated would have fit the definition, it wasn't what she was craving. Briefly, she considered taking him to see what she and Ann Marie had done with the batch of plums but that had been intended as a surprise if it worked and Madelyn wasn't anywhere near drunk enough to be entirely rid of self-consciousness lest it fail. Attempting something at the gym might have been amusing but she retained enough self-preservation instinct to realise she'd probably injure herself getting there, let alone trying to use any of the equipment. Very briefly, she allowed herself a moment of melancholy, wishing they'd had more time to explore Relea, and was then struck by a powerful urge.

"I want to see the stars." A tug in the direction of the observation deck wasn't going to give them much more than a view of the warp field but it was as close as they could get.

Duncan raised an eyebrow but allowed himself to be tugged in the direction she wanted. It seemed that their adventure what bit quite over yet. “You are aware Madi that you have a window in your quarters right?” He challenged as they walked past her quarters to who knew where.

"Just wait and see."

It didn't sound half as mysterious as it had in her head and, as seemed to be the ebb and flow of her current state, Madelyn found herself circling back around to pensive silence. The truth was, Duncan had become both one of the easiest people to talk with and one of the hardest, depending on the topic and how often the situation reminded Madi that she was probably just a stupid kid in some people's eyes. The closer they got to their intended destination, the more she began to doubt that he'd view the impending titbit of personal information as anything more than childish, which hurt her heart more than could be easily described. She was an idealistic dreamer, the black sheep in a family of very pragmatic scientists, and sometimes she despaired at ever meeting people who found her quirks interesting rather than just some form of tolerated adorableness.

Duncan smiled fondly and shook his head as she changed direction and pulled him back along the corridor. "I do not like to just wait and see here, Madi. I am an Engineer, that normally does not bode well for me." He commented still allowing himself to be tugged in that direction before he pulled his arm away and just put her hand in his for ease.

For an inexplicable reason she couldn't define, the simple gesture struck Madelyn as being far more significant than the support he'd been offering, despite the fact that this technically put more distance between them. Confusion made her head swim and, along with the alcohol, made turning the corner more challenging than it needed to be. "Nothing bad is going to happen," she reassured quietly, having fallen towards introspection enough to withdraw a little. "Just trust me."

Eventually, the surprise destination turned out to be one of the viewing alcoves not far from the main hangar. As far as foot traffic went, it was perhaps one of the quieter parts of the ship, since there was a decided lack of small crafting coming and going, and that tended to make it a reasonably popular place for quiet contemplation and solitude. Reclaiming her hand so that she could attempt to clamber up onto her knees on the ledge, Madelyn performed the impossible by failing to injure herself in the process and then simply rested there, kneeling to get a better vantage of the occasional streaks of light left by the warp trail.

"Did you ever think you'd be traveling in space when you were a kid?" It was a solemn question, softly asked.

The man was surprised when she chose the viewing alcove but did not comment as she pulled away from him and climbed up onto the ledge. He hovered but stepped away when she was safe. "Not in the slightest. I was a kid in the highlands of Scotland so it was not something I dreamed of." He laughed not having thought of his family in a while.

"Feels like my whole life was built around it," Madelyn confessed quietly, but didn't elaborate. The stream of consciousness bouncing around her head struggled to maintain a coherent thread, more reactive than her normal pensive over-analysis. Turning her head, she regarded the man keeping his distance and, feeling the familiar wrench of bone-deep loneliness, forced herself to smile. "What did little Duncan dream of then?"

Duncan smiled and nodded. It was interesting to see how people had ended up where they had. “Being a mechanic.” Earth Starfleet had not been an option for him for most of his life until he had gone to secondary school.

It was not, of course, remarkably different to what he'd ended up doing, though that correlation may have stemmed from Madelyn's evident lack of mechanical prowess. She was certainly more adept at breaking things than she was fixing them. His response earned a soft huff of laughter before the young brunette turned back towards the view.

"You don't have to stay," she said after a moment, having deduced in a somewhat hazy manner that she was doing most of the chatting. A flush of embarrassment reminded her that he'd only offered to walk her to quarters out of fear she'd find something to damage along the way, potentially herself, and here she was dragging him through philosophical ramblings. "I'll be fine here for a bit."

He had not thought on his childhood dreams in a long time. He found it easier to not do it since he gave himself 30 days to mourn and move on. “Why don’t I have to stay?” He asked quietly giving her a quizzical look. “And I did say I am going to get you to your quarters so this side quest is part of it.”

Without averting her gaze, Madelyn continued to stare at the streaks as she hunched a shoulder. "I thought you might have more interesting things to do that babysit walking disasters." She winced inwardly a little at her choice of words, having put a great deal of effort into not sounding maudlin, to no apparent avail. An effort to shift backwards off the ledge was a little less than gracious, though she counted it a success that she didn't fall at his feet. Back on relatively solid ground, she turned to lean back and folded her arms across her stomach, hoping that her smile achieved something to mask her messy thoughts. "Not trying to get rid of you, just figured maybe you'd prefer to...get...rid...of me."

It was what she'd meant, but it wasn't anywhere near what she'd meant to say.

Madelyn squinted. "I'm trying not to be a burden. Again. Apparently I've just forgotten how to speak."

Duncan sighed softly and leant out and touched her shoulder. “You are not a waking disaster, Madi.” He said gently still giving her some space but also wanting to offer some comfort. He hated that she felt so low when he was just respecting her boundaries and how much she had drunken.

The immediate impulse was to refute his reassurance, armed as she was with months' worth of rebuttal that had stewed and festered in the privacy of her own panicking. Madelyn chewed nervously on her bottom lip to avoid the divulgence, clearly not drunk enough to have completely abandoned her dignity. "Xenobiology is an emergent science," was what she eventually settled on. "They were still trying to figure out what to do with us, I wasn't meant to be on board for more than few months. The few times we have encountered alien species, we haven't exactly stuck around long enough for any in depth study to matter." Lowering her gaze, she shrugged again. "I'm not very useful. It's not anyone's fault."

“You are very useful here.” He said gruffly before he toned down his accent and words. “But you have so much potential to work with. Yes we have not stayed around but we have scans and research that’s mostly what you science types do isn’t it?” He asked trying to lighten the mood. “You are telling me Lieutenant Darru has not got you chained to a lab researching.” He teased.

A slight wince did its best not to sound overly critical. "Not really? I mean, I guess from his point of view, he wasn't supposed to have a long-term junior on staff and hydroponics needed the personnel early on. I think he's forgotten about me."

“Then remind him. Darru is not a bad man. He is practical to a fault but he is not past having a discussion especially when you are feeling like this. He is trying.” Duncan liked the Vulcan. He had spent many nights discussing the universe with him.

The tension in the young scientist's stance was evidence enough that the matter ran deeper than a few drunken concerns. Of course, having a conversation with the older science officer made perfect sense, except that Madelyn couldn't fathom finding that sort of courage. Feeling useful ought to have been enough, she'd been chastising herself with that very thing for months. You're not even supposed to still be here. The expression in her dark eyes didn't seem convinced.

"I'm honestly fine," she lied. "I don't want to get in people's way, that was kind of my whole point."

Lifting her eyes whilst still somewhat stooped by defeat, Madelyn searched Duncan's face for a moment with an expression that didn't quite tuck itself away behind intentional optimism. The daily struggle she didn't speak of, the moments of misery that seemed so difficult to crawl out of, the real reason she was avoiding going to bed because that meant being alone and it was harder to distract herself then. Don't be a bother had been her mantra for most of her life, but lately it felt like she was dodging flaming meteors just to keep things on an even keel. "I'm okay," she tried again, and then lowered her eyes because she was too drunk to make it sound convincing.

“Liar.” The bigger man said simply searching her face back. Duncan was the type of person to reach and make friends by accident wherever he went but he lived in no doubt that others were not like that at all. Where he had made friends with the Marine Commanding Officer and built the still that provided the alcohol, others were quiet and reserved. If she did not speak up, he had no issues speaking up and mentioning stuff to Darru.

"Well, now you're just going to make me cry," Madelyn accused, swiping at him with just enough force that her fingers grazed his arm. It wasn't an act of aggression, just the flimsiest attempt at humour amidst a sudden avalanche of unexpected emotion.

The man shook his head and moved forward and wrapped an arm around her inwardly and went he did not get swatted again he pulled her loser still. “You do not need to lie.” He said simply. No one needed to lie and put on an act for him.

It was an unexpected turn of events but it proved to be the final drop that burst the dam. Madelyn couldn't remember the last time anyone had hugged her, she just hadn't forged the kind of close relationships that allowed her to feel comfortable enough to slip into typical displays of physical affection. The fact that she had always been one for cuddling, however, the child that always found a willing lap and a book to be read, made it all the more profound once it hit her just how much she had been craving some sort of connection. A hitch in her throat became a last desperate attempt to control her tears before she melted entirely into the embrace and shook a little from the release of pent-up unhappiness.

Duncan accepted his fate as the person to make her cry quite happily as he shifted her a little so it was not quite as awkward with him standing over her. “Hey it is okay.” He soothed hoping it would help a little to stop at the very least the shaking. He hated how she was shaking with emotions.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a much reduced version of herself was screaming at Madelyn to stop. Losing composure in front of others to this extent was distinctly uncomfortable, something she had worked for months to try and avoid. At the same time, it was undeniably cathartic and, despite the impending mortification, she didn't feel unsafe. In the end, the comfort overrode her outburst and, rather than descend into messy sobs, quietened enough that, if she closed her eyes, she could almost coax them to stop leaking.

“Feel better now?” He wondered quietly as he felt her finally calm down enough that his voice would not make it even worst. He had seen this type of drunk before but it was unexpected from her but he did not judge.

If anything, Madelyn would have preferred to be another glass or two towards oblivion because she was far too aware of how awkward this had suddenly become but couldn't rein in enough control to stop it. As much as she couldn't deny enjoying the warmth of another's proximity, she didn't know now how to extract herself without having to establish eye contact at a distance that felt altogether alien. Stepping back just a bit, she wiped her fingertips beneath her eyes and nodded, managing only a furtive glance upwards.

"I'll be okay." This time as she reasserted the claim, Madelyn delivered more as a reassurance than an absolute. "Sorry," she added, "I didn't mean to get messy on you."

The man let her go and moved back to the seat and sat down in it. He looked far too gangly in it with his long legs but he did not force eye contact or anything else until she did. “No worse that engineering lubricant.” He said offering a grin. “I want to make sure you are okay.”

Unsure of what to say to that, having been more or less blindsided by how easily he'd broken through her best intentions, Madi simply nodded and did her best to clean up her face with both hands. "I guess I should probably get to bed." A huff of slightly watery laughter carried a good deal of chagrin for her outburst. "This definitely feels like something I need to sleep off." In the privacy of her own thoughts, Madelyn wasn't entirely convinced she'd get to sleep easily but at some point she needed to face the solitude, if only to preserve the very last of her dignity.

Duncan rose from the chair. “Would you like me to continue walking or just let you leave?” He questioned quietly leaving it entirely up to her to make her own choice but to also give her some control over what she did again. He might be an engineer but he did have sisters and female friends.

"I can get myself there." The crawling irrationality in the back of Madelyn's mind was that the entire ship was somehow privy to her momentary lapse and there was something impossibly insurmountable about trying to explain it away as perfectly innocent. She was flustered, emotionally scrambled, and the only way to avoid further folly was to disappear until the moonshine found other ways to kick her butt. "You've done enough." Still not quite able to meet his eyes, she added softly, "Thank you."

Duncan wanted to lean over and hug her again but said nothing to argue. He nodded and not trying to get her to look properly at him. “Not sure about that Madi but okay. Lunch tomorrow though. I’m on second watch.” He told her firmly as she made her escape leaving him to contemplate what had just happened.