Maybe Forward Together

Posted on Thu Dec 1st, 2022 @ 3:20pm by Captain Bethsabée Leroux & Ensign Michael Sloan

Mission: Sojurn
Location: Deck E
Timeline: Day 325
1737 words - 3.5 OF Standard Post Measure

Beth hated nightmares. It started with just strange dreams with Smith repeating over and over then it was her fault the crew were dead until it twisted and changed to images of one of what might have happened to the missing crew members. She knew it was not her fault as there was no way to find them as they had no idea where Smith had disappeared. It did not make Beth‘s guilt any easier to deal with when she was alone at night as she had been for the last few nights as she had been going to bed after midnight and being up at six to cover the needed bridge shifts. It was changing now with the other seniors pitching in to cover the executive officers bridge shift until Gerhard was better again.

She slowly gathered herself and moved to sit on the edge of the bed holding her head and her hands for a long moment before she made up her mind pulling on a hoodie over her vest and shorts. She might not be able to say sorry to the missing crew but she could to Michael. He was right, she was killing herself trying to do to much.

It might be 03:00 but he would want to hear her confession, she tried to assure herself as she pressed the door chime to his quarters.

Not since the days of his investigation had his door chime gone off at such an hour. Michael peeled off the covers and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. At this hour, quarters were usually automatically locked and required the occupant to open. "I'm coming, I'm coming," he called to the door. His hair was a bit messy from his pillow while he wore the standard blue undershirt and shorts that everyone had at least six sets of in their closet. He opened the door and asked, "Beth? What happened?" He moved out of the way so the Captain could enter.

Beth regretted as she saw him waking him up but she needed to get it off her chest and fix the chasm that was between them at points. “I am sorry… it’s late but I need to tell you I am sorry.” Beth said in Afrikaans quickly as she stepped into the dark quarters and the door closed behind her.

"D'abord... Pas besoin de t'excuser," Michael replied in French to tell her that she had no reason to apologize. He still thought it strange that she liked to talk to him in Afrikaans as English was a native language to him, but he did not say anything as he thought the gesture was sweet. Offering his quarters' only chair to Beth, he took a seat on the edge of his bed. "Why are you apologizing?" he asked.

"Because everything is been so strange between us and I know that was a lot of Smith warping realities and how he was trying to get to me.” she faulted for a second before she put her head in her hands. “I feel like I should be alone but I do not want to be. I keep pushing everyone away and it’s crushing me.” She sounded vulnerable for the first time between them.

Having always been a loner, even more so since the revelations from the Algae planet, Michael was a little taken aback and did not know the right way to respond. "Why do you feel like you need to be alone?" Michael asked, placing a reassuring and on Beth's knee. He had other thoughts about telling her that she was not alone and that he did not either, but this was the time to listen.

“Because I’m the captain.” It was a simple as that what it all boiled down to. She was still feeling that she needed to prove herself worthy of taking Leah Morgan’s ship and crew. She knew she was but the sinking feeling of needing to prove it still did not go away.

"Professional distance is a tradition, not a rule," Michael replied. "I think all of us are past the point of proving anything," he added. "We've been through so much in the last year. It wasn't Leah, it wasn't me, it certainly wasn't any MACO or some Morale Officer who got us through any of it. It was you."

Beth looked up from staring at her the hand on her knees and smiled at him as he said that it was her. “We have really been through a lot.” She conceded to him and put her hand over his. “I am not alone and I do not want to keep fighting people who want to come close,” Beth said quietly as she tried to think through it all in a logical way.

"Even those you pull in but keep at an arm's length," Michael attempted to say lightheartedly, but there was a hint of truth in his tone. Looking at Beth and catching her gaze in his eyes, Michael asked, "What do you want out of life? To just be the Captain of a group of lost souls, or is there more that you want out of this journey?"

“I did come here to tell you that I do not want to keep you at arm's length,” Beth said softly in standard as she looked back at him trying to ignore the hint of truth. She came there wanting to get everything off her chest. “I do not know how to answer that.” When there was no more hint from him just the past staring into her soul. “I still want the life I had on Earth that has not changed I guess.”

Nodding in understanding, Michael leaned forward and wrapped his arms around the Captain in a hug. Breaking away, he replied, "Everyone is struggling with the new reality. We are having to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will make it home and we'll be out here for a century."

“What about you?” Beth asked wanting to hear what he wanted from the journey.

In what had become a nervous tic, Sloan rubbed his forehead where the Romulan ridges had once been. "I'm still coming to terms with who and what I am," he admitted. "Do I still want to live a quiet life under the radar of the secret police? Do I want to follow the family business and become a loyal and dutybound MACO? Do I want to be the best Starfleet officer I can be for the best of United Earth? Or, do I want more?" Shrugging, he admitted, "There is a lot that I want but will never have and a lot to come to terms with."

"Can I help with any of it?" Beth said leaning out to touch where he had rubbed as if to wipe away the red mark. She had not failed to notice the almost tic now but she did acknowledge it in her own way.

"Just be there," Michael replied. Her touch reminded him that he had been a little obvious with the tic. "You know, Romulans look almost identical to Vulcans. There is a shared ancestry. I don't even think Vulcans remember." Motioning to his forehead that looked completely Human at this point, he explained, "The biggest difference is that most Romulans have forehead ridges right here. Not as prominent as Klingons, more like a permanent arched eyebrow."

Beth moved and sat on his lap and lay her head on his shoulder. “I am not planning to go anywhere Michael. Are you trying to say that so I am put off you or something?” She asked smiling against his neck. “I vividly remember you telling me and the Vulcans. Darru knew but he is not quite as simple as he makes out.”

Putting his arms around Beth, Michael relied, "No, I think that he knows much more than he lets on." Laughing for a moment, he playfully asked, "So have you signed up for his matchmaking program?"

“Well he is a geneticist.” Beth commented before she laughed and nodded. She had been reluctant to do that but it had been necessary with how long they were going to be onboard for. “I did so unwillingly in the interest of screen for genetic issues onboard. I was paired with the chef.” Beth revealed quietly.

"Well, you'll always have good food. And that is some competition," he laughed as he pretended to push her off, but he didn't. "Darru hasn't approached me yet. I wanted to see how long it would take him to get around to asking me, then again I may not be able to pass on any genetic material considering... everything." His voice got a little lower at that thought.

Beth let out a little cry of surprise as she was nearly pushed off of him before remembering it was 3am and clung more to him letting his words sink in before she released her grip. Slowly she took his face in her hands and just looked into his eyes. “No competition. Do not think about that right now hmm but maybe you need to have a conversation with Darru. You seem to be friends so it would be a less awkward conversation than with the doctor.” It was not a conversation she envied but whatever was a potential out come to that conversation would not change anything between them.

“Knowing him, he’s probably up right now going over some data,” Michael replied. Squeezing her hand to let her know that he appreciated the reassurance, he added, “I’ve got to clear out the backlog a little, then I’ll make time for some genetic testing.” As if remembering something he said, “Which reminds me. We should schedule some time to shut down the engines. They weren’t built for this kind of wear and tear and I’d like to get into it to make sure everything is working as it should.”

She glanced at the wall that claws between him and his neighbour and nodded. “How did this go from I’ve come here to apologise for pushing you away to you getting jealous of the chef to the engines need stopping?” Beth laughed letting go of his face with a soft kiss. It was a nice change but not an expected one.

“Split personalities?” Michael replied.